Signs of Life

From under the rubble of the of this earthquake know as this current year of my life, I sit and wait... for... aftershocks. I reflect on how all of this started a few short months ago. I wanted a change. But for me a change is like purchasing and wearing a brown pair of slacks or ordering something different from my the menu of my favorite restaurant. What I have gotten is cataclysmic. The cost for me has been 2 people very dear to me (through movement), 2 places I have called home (this year), my business, 4 cats (1 to death), 2 dogs, my home town (too much sadness for me here), and every ounce of physical and emotional energy just to keep walking. I knew the Camino would be expensive but I really hope that I have paid my bill in full.

The decision is made... I leave New Orleans and move to Dallas. I am clear that for me to do what I need to do in my life now is no longer here in my hometown. And so I must move on.. Since this decision the aftershocks come... I wonder around the house - fall apart- get up - make the bed, wonder around the house- fall apart- get up - brush my teeth. I am sure you get the picture. To me this is the courageous part of the journey. To see and know what is ahead - fear it with every ounce of my being (and want it even less) but going there by putting one foot in front of the other. One dreaded step at a time. Yes I know they get easier - but that is in time- and now is not that time. So in thinking about all of this I thought of you - all of you -both known and unknown to me. The people that have read this blog and shared with me my most challenging and personal journey. I can only hope that by you seeing and feeling with me that in some small way you were able to see a bit out of your darkness. For I know without this there would have been no light at all for me. Through you and this blog I have found my voice, my calling. (yes I do know that I've never been accused of not having a voice). I am going to continue to write this blog as I move down my path. I hope you decide to continue to read it. While I was in Spain I wrote several pages of topics I wanted to cover but did not the time to get to them all. I would love and encourage you to give me feedback or thoughts on my blog (now or in the future) for without you this is just me rambling to air and I do enough of that already. (I know, I know - I talk a lot).

Again I want to say how deeply humbled and appreciative of how each of you supported and continue to support me in this.... well... I guess it's my life. How grateful I am.

Earthquake

My room was shaking wildly, the bed was throwing me violently around then all of a sudden nothing. No-thing. Was I awake, asleep, dead? Was this real? My arrival home although physically uneventful has been a challenge. My fears about time moving on and my not fitting back in here in my home were proven to be true. The room was silent and dark and I was in a very cold sweat heart pumping right though my chest. What had just happened? A slow realization came to me, I had just hit the bottom. The bottom we all fear, the bottom we all dread, the bottom that we all run from with every ounce of our being from ever seeing. The last bit of me left shook and shuttered until there was nothing left. While floating in that space in between... (the space between notes in a song, the space in between the in breath and out breath. The space that makes both ends so magnificent. I saw and felt the emptiness. And I knew that I had traveled to the point of creation within me. The place I had come from, the full expanse of the universe itself. In that moment I knew I was free. Free from the ties that bound me (past and future)Free from the reasons why and why not.. free... From this point I knew although all things were done the future, my future was a pristine clean blank slate. While the vastness of this opportunity was exciting it was also quite overwhelming. What I knew was that I had witnessed was the death of my ego. Who I thought I was was dead. Who I believed I had become was shaken clear. My ego in every way the best and worst in me was in a heap on the floor right beside me. I stood up brushed myself off all the while the tears flowing freely from my heart. This dark allowed me a very safe place to simply fall apart. Now what, where, who? If not here where? If not me then who? Without the ego then what? I opened my eyes to a whole new world - a whole new me. Full of potential and freedom. The next thought - OH SHIT!

Arrival

Even though I have arrived in New Orleans and I have completed my journey (the anti-camino) in Spain, I had hoped I would feel .. well I guess relieved. Instead I feel sadness, sadness in returning to the place of my birth, my home yet feeling disconnected.... Sadness for what has changed and what has not. I walk about my apartment and I look closely at my things - yes those are my books, and yes my clothes, shoes, computer... But I feel - really feel - I don't live here anymore. After wanting nothing more than to get home for days (homesickness) I realized very very early this morning - I really don't have a home. I love this place - it's warm, safe but somehow not mine. (now not sure it ever was). So after wondering around Spain for 34 days I must continue my wondering. (like Cain in the TV Kung Fu- am I destined to wonder the earth?) How in the hell did this happen? All I have ever wanted was a home (a safe place to lay, to be small). This is very upsetting. Very upsetting indeed (yes that is a mild understatement). So I sit here in the early am (late am in Spain) and weep. Why? Because I really really thought I would have some comfort here, just some... any.. So I clean my desk. Tidy desk = tidy emotions Right? I feel back to the lessons of the camino - patience- acceptance- courage- faith. I need them now in many ways more than when I was out there. Because out there I thought I had here and here I know I have what's real and most importantly what's not. I know I am always home with myself but where is my(self) home? Where can I lay my weary head to rest? Just for a little while... to sleep perchance to dream.. ahh to dream..

1 million little pieces

As I lay in bed my last day I Spain, I begin to reflect on the last month's adventure. My mind quickly moves past September and slides (to my surprise) to the 2 months before I leave. I feel the need to look very candidly into my internal mirror. To really see myself through the exact same lens that I viewed myself while on the Camino. To my shock and horror I saw just a faint outline of what used to be me. Not a shadow self, but an outline of myself. I was no longer recognizable. I had (to borrow the term) shattered into a million little pieces and all that was left was the outline of what used to be me. I am not sure when, how or even why I shattered but really that didn't matter. As time moved through September, I realized that I had begun to pick up the pieces of me and place them into a leather pouch around my waistband. I realized that life's events before I left for Spain had actually shattered me and the first part of my anti-camino just finished the job. In that moment I felt some relief and compassion. Relief for the understanding and compassion for me and what I was trying to do. For in that moment I could see how hard I had pushed and shoved and how deeply I had wanted things to be so very different and I simply shattered into those dreadful pieces. I came back to the hotel room and I knew that I was no longer in a million little pieces. That along the way of my anti-camino I had managed to take some of the pieces of me out of the pouch and place them back into me. Slowly the outline began to fade and the many colors and hues of the real me had begun to take shape. I looked closely and in many ways I looked the same and other so very different. I placed my hand into my leather pouch and felt a few more pieces that were no longer me. Pieces of me that needed to stay in Spain. My mind drifted back to the beach in Fisterre and I buried those pieces there (the same place I burned the intentions) to symbolize that the old me had come to an end. I know I have hardly even begun this process and that my return home is just the beginning. However I feel fresh, strong, capable and willing. The Camino gave me that, I gave me that. The end and the beginning indeed.

Thankful

I just wanted to write a short note before I left Santiago for the last time to give thanks to all of the fellow Peregrinos who I have met along the way. Each and every one of you will remain a part of me for the rest of my life. How lucky I am to have shared this journey with you. I especially want to thank the ones who helped me along the way. For without your unconditional love and support I don´t think I could have made this journey. it was quite scary to venture out on my own, but now I have friends from all over the world. For me this journey was about you - the people along the way. You have touched me deeply and completely at my core. Buen Camino!

Questions

I woke up to a thick mist covering Fisterre. And as the morning wore on it just got thicker and thicker. How symbolic, for the last day on my camino. I came on the camino for clarity and this the last day is filled with a deep mist (could not see past 3 feet). The bus rolled out of Fisterre on it´s way back to Santiago and I thought of the delicate dance between questions and answers. I have always felt that in my searching I was looking for answers, completely forgetting about the other half of the equation - the questions one asks to get to these answers. The wrong questions gets the wrong answer. In computers we call that garbage in - garbage out. So I thought about questions... are there really wrong questions? Perhaps there are just less precise questions. Questions that will lead us to a more precise answer. Am I asking myself enough questions? Then I realized that I should not be looking for answers but instead I should be looking for the questions. For in asking the right questions I can find all the answers inside of me. But the real key here is the willingness to ask and ask and ask some more until I get to the truth that exists within me. I realized that I often did not ask enough questions. Questions are the treasure map to my truth. Ironically as the mist lifted I realized that I had not come on this camino to find answers but instead I came the clarity of the questions for the answersthat all that i seek existed within me before i even walked one step of the Camino. Touche´

Courage

I woke up this morning thinking about what is courage? I met a woman yesterday who simply walked out of her life in Germany and started walking the camino from her door. She has been walking since May and has not even thought about stopping. Is that courage? She told me she hoped she was walking to something and not from something. It dawned on me that you can´t really walk to something without walking away from something. For example you can´t go to the grocery store and not leave your house. In my anti-camino I needed to be willing to leave everything behind to walk to my future. What will be most interesting is what will I have left when I do actually return. I really don´t think it took that much courage to leave. For me it was very difficult to get moving but once on the way.. ok. But I would not call that courage but perhaps a great deal of determination. To me the most courageous part of this journey is to return to the people and place that I started from as a different person and to build from there. Here on the camino we are all in the same place, the camino bubble, so we get courage from the others in our shared experience. Each Pilgrim although different share in the common journey and challenges. Home? Well although everything has changed for me, time as home is just as it always is, another month in another year has passed. Time on the camino is both slow and expanded at the same time so we have the opportunity for more movement and change than the average person living their everyday life. Time will go back to normal for me in a couple of weeks. So although I am excited to come home, I think about how will it all be? How can\will I integrate the new me into my old place? (this new me is a bit smaller though so may not fix exactly in old clothes) but at first fitting is all that I have. I can´t create until I see where I am. So the real courage is not to walk away, anyone can do that, the true test of courage is can I come back to begin again?

Intentions

I want to thank all of you that honored me with the carrying your intentions. Last night at sunset I brought all of the intentions to a deserted beach here in Fisterra and burned them. It just felt like the right thing to do. I can only hope that each and every one of you receive the grace and support that I have found here on the camino and if I could help in any way then I am greatly humbled by the opportunity

Goals

What is a goal? This thought moved through my head as I walked. Is it an exact point on a line? If so which direction is the line pointing us to go? What type of line is it? (dotted, straight, dashed?) Who places that point on that line? Is that point permanent? Ok so maybe not a line but a place we strive to go.. a place with a process. Just right over there is the place-- or is it over there? But maybe even still right behind over there... I have always prided myself on my ability to set and achieve goals. (I even teach a class on goal setting) To me goals were tangible achievements that I decided I wanted to achieve for whatever reason. (pretty exacting huh!) These goals would be set by me (so I thought) for a result which happened sometime in the future. Once they were set - it was quite a simple process - I would do what was needed to get "there". The Camino has no real starting point (some people just open their doors and walk the Camino to Santiago). It also has no real finish line (some just keep walking to Rome or other places). Although the Camino de Frances is a path it´s not the only path, in fact there are several camino paths- each one starting in a different place but yet all leading to Santiago. While in Santiago I found at the end of the camino old roman symbols of the omega and alpha. (end and beginning- in that order). Curious thought.. is the journey to the end - Santiago- just the beginning. Is the goal to get there just another place, not the end? So with all of that I think - how in the world could I have set a goal for my walking the camino from the comfort of 40 days from the walk and from the comfort of my own home? How could I even begin to imagine the experience, challenges and opportunities that the camino would offer? How could I set a tangible obtainable goal to something that only begins when it ends? I know, I know I started in a place and will end in a place- but is the walk really over? Do I continue to learn and grow from this? But my goal did not end up matching what happened. So the real question becomes - which is better- the goal or the experience? We all know it´s the experience. But so often I have in my head "the way it should be" "the way it will end". But that is a flat picture in my head. No color or depth no reality. So the thought enters.... can I live my life without goals? Can I really focus only on the experience of the now knowing I am always going where I am going: Knowing that going all by itself is enough? Me a very goal oriented person, can I really live like that? Just the thought of thinking about it blows my mind. Truthfully I don´t know if I can, but I really want to try. SO what was the real goal of my camino? To change my life! Well that it has done.. done indeed!

Fairy Tales

Once upon a time there was a woman who wanted to walk the camino de Santiago. At the request of her family she went to the doctor to make sure she would not have a heart attack along the way. Doctor said no chance. She then went to the foot doctor on the behalf of her poor aching feet. Doctor said - walk how many miles? Not too sure about that. Bad feet = bad pain. Maybe consider no walking. Well the women heard only walk and thus was off.... walking over 15 miles a day up and down hills and mountains. Over rocks, cobble stone roads and even asphalt roads. Women in this tale is not too smart!

Today with both heels badly bruised the thought of allowance and forgiveness entered into my head. I have learned along the way that I am not a pilgrimage type of girl. I love the outside, love walking, love seeing new things, just not this way. Is this something I am to forgive myself for? Or do I just allow the realization of the truth to come through? How many times do we feel guilty or badly about things we think we should or should not do-think-or feel? Maybe we should just allow the truth (our truth) to come up from within us and honor it. No judgment on this- just allow. Plain and simple.

Sleepless in Spain

I woke up last night from all of the noise on a very busy Santiago. Since I was leaving the next day on my walk to the sea, all I could do was to lie in bed and think. My thoughts moved like the tide, moving constantly to a rhythmic pattern of both sound and breath. I do so love to go to the beach and see, feel, and hear the waves don´t you? My thoughts wondered onto the thoughts of the energy of both the actions and thoughts of - yes and no- Thinking of yes I thought of the wave breaking just a few feet from shore and I am sitting ever so slighting in the water, feeling the wave as is caresses me, welcomes even beckons me to join. Seeming effortless and yet so powerful. I wondered if this was what the phrase - turning the other cheek means? Then the thought of no felt like standing in the sea where the wave was breaking - pushing and pulling me. out to sea? closer to shore? just the constant push and pull - never resting. More energy was exerted by both the wave and myself. The wave needed to break and I needed to stand. So often I find myself caught between yes and no. Trying to decide which way to go... standing in the breaking waves. trying to focus only on the answer not realizing that if I moved just a few feet either way peace would be mine. I realized that as long as the waves crashed on me there was no way I could come to any answer either way as my focus was only on the push and pull. Never on the solutions. So by moving either way I am still in indecision but at peace. For when peaceful I can find the right answer without forcing it either way. I have come to believe that if I am in the middle then that´s where I should be- in the middle - neither yes or no. Buy standing in safer water I can enjoy the joy, peace and serenity that the water bring to me.

Reflections in Santiago

I have returned to my old room in Santiago, how I love this room! Looking out the window at the cathedral I think about my comfort zone. From the beginning this journey (even at the inception of the idea) has kept me from any resemblance of secure footing. (way outside my comfort zone) This has been a true test for me in every way. I keep thinking... If I had known this - then I would have done (said, prepared, etc) that. But I came with nothing more than a few Euros in my pocket, a pack on my back, and a dream in my heart. Today I realized I have conquered those dark objects in my life and I have lived, Not just lived but grown and prospered. I know realize for every Camino Pilgrim Santiago is home. Our home. The home that exists inside of ourselves. The home we walked to, returned to, to rediscover, to become. (no matter how far we traveled). As the Pilgrims take their last steps toward the cathedral, I can see some of them enter with such joy and enthusiasm. Others stop and look and sit down to cry. For we have come home to ourselves, our city Santiago.

Note: After much thought your intentions will come with me to Fisterra for the final leg. I will burn them there.

Arrival

My journey that began 22 days ago is 2\3rds complete. The entrance into the Cathedral of Santiago´s main square was very emotional. (more than I thought it would have been) My walk of over 200km was full of heartache, pain, sorrow, doubt, joy, beauty, fear, joyfulness and finally release. I have never walked 200km in my life much less to see a cathedral. But in that moment there was nothing more beautiful and spectacular than that church. In that moment I knew I was a part of history. Past, present and future combined to create now. The now where all time exists in this moment. When all of the pilgrims join each other in an end and a beginning of their journeys. Again the thoughts of to whom much is given much is expected run through my head. Along the way I accepted my calling onto the path of the mystic. Not religious per say, but the ancient path of mysticism (wisdom) . It is the one I have fought my whole life and yet knew it was mine. Along the path I simply said ok, I will do what I was intended to do. Just 1\3rd of the walk left to pick up the last piece of me.

The Journey

Walking, walking, walking... Often I have wondered what I am walking away from and what I am walking towards. I´ve been told that the insights the camino offers to those called to walk are continued for a lifetime. I am so very clear of what I am walking away from but how do I process the past as to limit the impact on the future? walk on... How do I glean from the past my future? walk on... How can the sadness that continues to live inside of me no longer steal away my today and tomorrows? walk on.. Walking, walking, walking what am I walking away from and what am I walking toward?

Note: Arrive in Santiago tomorrow Thursday September 24th. The second leg of my camino will be over. 200km walked. I will finish the final leg next week to bring my past, present and future together. Walked them backwards though. The past is my walk to the sea (the ancient Celtic leg), the present is the current walk (Sarria to Santiago) and the future was my walk through the mountains (the Pyrenees). Soon we can all become one my anti-camino and me..

The dream (dedicated to Blake)

The sleeping came fitfully... standing before me is Dorothy from the Wizard of OZ. She beckons me toward her with her ruby red shoes in her hand... As I follow her she shows me the yellow brick road and then hands to me her ruby red shoes. My hand reaches for them and at the moment of contact then turn into my hiking boots and the yellow brick road transforms into the camino. My boots turn to talk to me: they ask : why do you think PACK and I have given you so much trouble? We have wanted to show you a different way. A different camino. We know your camino was not down this yellow brick road you were trying to follow. This path is for the others, your path is down this dark wooded path where all of the others live. You understand? I looked down the path and saw all I needed to see and knew they were right. The path that I saw initially as dark and scary when looked at again was full of life; animals, plants and the others lived in this enchanted forest. I thanked the pack and the boots for their help and guidance in this and I walked into this forest barefooted and naked but yet home.

Note: Blake I am humbled by your prayers and wanted you to know that they changed everything. My salvation was gained thought the prayers of a child. How lucky I am.

Hot Saturday Night

Ok, so here it is another Saturday night on the camino. Big town for the Camino (3 streets) so what does one do? Dinner with new camino friends and the mass. Yes that´s right mass. I know I am scaring even myself this is 3 masses so far. It´s interesting even to me. Don´t understand the words but get the idea. So if you were wondering what we do for fun here on the camino there it is. Maybe if I am really frisky I might get a cafe...

The turtle

I´ve been thinking (not much else to do while walking)...
Note: You just have to love a country whose normal speaking voice is just below a yell. You think I am loud but here my voice is just a mere whisper.. I think I am deaf in my left ear now..

Anyway... I was thinking about the fairy tale of the tortoise and the hare. Over the last few months I have just felt rushed, a bit overwhelmed. I think that this trip has just added to that feeling (as vacations often can). Hate to stop or rest because you can do that when you get home.. Feel in many ways the camino is like that.. people getting up at 5 am to walk 20km to the next place.. then do that again and again and again for 30 days.. Not only do I feel like the turtle with everyone except the really infirmed walking by me, I am walking with my house on my back. I have realized how slow I am on this trip. I am the last one to bed and the last one out in the morning. However I really don´t need to stop that often so I often meet the hares a bit further up the road only to pass them... and then the game of leapfrog has begun. I was chuckling when I thought of DEFaC trying to get me out of the door at home to go anywhere. Gosh what a struggle that must be... Ok so here is another confession.. I am a very slow moving human. I am in no particular hurry to go anywhere.. as my dad would say time waits for me. I like to take slow meaningful and deliberate steps along the path and along the path of life.

However I do always get there... always... so for me my camino is at a slow but steady pace... one that works for me... my anti-camino indeed...

On the road again

What would today hold? haven´t walked in a few days so... I think while I slept PACK and the feet together to scheme. PACK is solved as the reduced weight is perfect. (YAY ME!) we were able to go up and down hills no problem. But I told you PACK was devious... so while I was asleep last night they got together (damn those feet, I have been so good to them with all of the lotions and potions throughout the years, how dare they throw me under the bus) and made a deal. Feet were killing me. So PACK and Feet won the day.

I walked 10 miles of the most glorious paths, which reminded me so of Ireland. then I thought of home... damn... Since yesterday I have been quite homesick. Been that way my whole life.... so then I started to think about what was home to me really? And what exactly was I missing.. I immediately thought of where I live in new Orleans, where my stuff is (no not the storage unit) and I thought I love that place but is that really what I am missing? Then I thought out my immediate family.. they live in Texas and that´s not home so can´t be that... Then I thought of the stuff on my back, ok not exactly home but it is all the stuff I have in the world right now.. so kind home... but I have no where to stop for more than 1 day.. this trip consists of everyday a different city (town) and a different bed meeting different people so no home here either... Then I thought what is the one thing I really have all the time - me.. I remembered I am my home.. I must learn that the only way to never feel homesick again is to be(come) my own home. I am home wherever I am. Feeling a bit better already. home sweet home I am... look I bathed today so that is literally true. ha!

PACK update

PACK is sitting quietly at my feet finally happy to be moving again. I am secretly writing this as PACK would go into full revolt if it knew I was writing. I have lightened my load a bit out of PACK.. Yes, that´s right I took some things out of PACK to even the odds. I was able to leave about 2lbs of stuff at the small hotel where I stayed in Santiago. I will return to there after the walk back in a few days. At first PACK felt the same (weight) as it has been sitting in the corner of my room. Then after a few steps I was able to feel the difference. Now of course I cursed and complained loudly, so PACK was happy about that. It seems like my pain is PACK´s pleasure. So maybe now my anti-camino, PACK and I can all get along. But then again PACK is pretty smart and quite mischievous. Shhh it´s asleep..

Still not too sure about the anti-camino part- but that will be the part of letting go... duhh bonnie - letting go get it yet? you let some of your heavy load go now you need to let go your camino and embrace you anti-camino. Have I not been saying that everyday this trip.. it´s just very hard to let go when I have certain ideas and plans in my head. this is one time that I have not set out to complete what I set out to accomplish. I need to make peace with that I know, but still haven´t yet. Hopefully the walk will be the way..

Note: I wrote another entry into my journey but decided not to share. It´s a gloomy note about the rain, no sleep, no good food and being homesick. (yes Michelle I still get quite homesick and waffles with butter won´t help here now either). But I am really fine and tomorrow we walk in the rain...

Accomplishment

I am sitting in my open window in Santiago. At the end in some ways and still to begin in others. I look over a garden while listening to a small male choir sing opera for money. (these are Santiago’s street musicians) They are in a passageway so their music echoes off all of the buildings. (can you say the Cathedral of Santiago??) Can you imagine just a few days ago I was broken and crying and now I cry for the beauty of it all. I took a step of faith and traveled all day by bus here to Santiago with the hope of finding my way to Sarria where I my walk could begin again. Why faith? Well I did not know if I could get back to Sarria (115km away) from Santiago. In Burgos everyone I asked had no idea. I also had no idea where I would sleep when I arrived in Santiago. The bus arrived at 10pm - not close to anything. I thought - ok faith you got me this far will you take me all of the way to where I need to go? I walked up to the next taxi in line and asked him if he spoke English, he did. (this is the first taxi driver since I have been in Spain that has). I told him to take me to a hotel don´t care I just need to sleep. Pilgrim he asked? yes- well I have the perfect place, clean, cheap, honest host and real close to the cathedral. And so I am now here sitting in my window in the sun. Can you imagine... To continue on only with faith my Spanish Dancer (my anti-camino) had given me one of the best afternoons of my life. Thanks God! Tomorrow I will walk again renewed, refreshed and rejoicing. Really thanks God indeed.. The cathedral informs us all it´s 5pm.... If you close your eyes and open your ears I bet you can just hear it.....

Tourist

While traveling on the bus I realized that I have never felt more like a tourist than I do here in Spain. I can´t speak the language and I have no idea what´s going on around me. It´s like living in a very loud bubble. Lots of sounds but no sense of knowing. I am the people we curse at home. Then it dawned on me, I am a tourist in my own life. The Camino has taught me that. Before I left home, I knew I had to come on this trip but not necessarily to walk 500km. Well how in the hell does one go on a walking pilgrimage and not walk? (sometimes I get on my own nerves) So I set out for Spain - to whatever... I visited cities and I was scared to walk (or not) so I was not present for the cities. Then when I was walking I was scared of walking (what was over that hill?) so I was not present for the walking. So it´s truly like being a tourist in my own life. Going along with the crowd. Never quite sure why or when or even how we are going to get "there" (wherever that is). So it´s a walk without a walk (yes Gail the anti-Camino). So my new Camino (the anti-Camino) with 26 days left will be a few more days of walking (14 or 15) then to see what the other part of me was searching for... God. So the Camino (and now my life not as a tourist) will consist of finding (then seeing) God outside - in all of the beauty that nature can and does provide and inside in every church that I can find.. Understanding that that the continuing the Camino and life is both an internal and external journey. My anti-Camino indeed.
Buen Camino!

Along the way

3 Euros for a bed and a shower with hot water. Can you imagine? I bused to Burgos and stayed in an albergue. These are hostels set up specifically for Pilgrims on the Camino. So at peace at last. (That feeling only took 12 days - not a fast learner). Since they throw you out at 8am I had all morning to explore the cathedral. In a word magnificent. While walking around this massive building I was thinking about faith. To me faith is the invisible step between the known and unknown. And it is needed at many different times in our lives. (marriages, birth of a child and at death are just a few). How many times do we just take things on faith? Walk into the abyss? Then the thought came to me - what is faith -really? Is it a belief? What about I am not a believer, can I still have faith? Is faith just the first step out or all the steps after? What about hope? I have heard some people call faith - hope. Then does that make hope a wish? I know these are questions that must be answered by each person for themselves. But I was struck by those that don´t even ask the questions. But to have faith , I mean real faith, shouldn´t I be able to define it? Not based on what I have been told faith is, but what I have discovered for myself. Isn´t that the true way back to one´s self. I don´t know these answers I am just asking the questions...

Decisions

Well today was the day to decide: where and how. The 8 mile hike to Estella was quite easy (imagine 8 miles with PACK becoming easy). So by the time I arrived I knew I would have to travel to the "end of the earth" Fisterra so on the bus I went. I knew I could not keep up this pace and do the last 100 km of the walk so concessions must be made....
Along the way I was thinking about success and failure. If I start in Sarria and finish in Fisterra I will have walked 300km. Is that enough? It´s not the 500km I thought about but is 300 enough? But then enough for whom? It´s enough for me. And isn´t that all that really matters. And when the decision was finally made I for the first time in many, many months had a sense of peace. I was now walking my Camino.

Note: Success with PACK today! Not saying that too loudly as to awaken the sleeping giant...

Broken

Imagine a beautiful Spanish woman who is the best flamenco dancer in all of Spain. She is tall, alluring, graceful and sensual. Her dance calls to you from afar, calling you closer and closer still. But not only is she beautiful she is a very jealous - demanding dancer. One that requires your constant attention and dedication. She is both beautiful and dangerous. That is the Camino. Today I sat by a river and wept not from the beauty but from the betrayal. She betrayed me and I have betrayed myself. Today was the day of not one step more. Apparently in Spain when they say flat they mean flat compared to mountains. So 800 meter climbs and their equal downs all day. It was just too much. So the questions came... Why am I here? What do I hope to accomplish? Who am I competing with? So a decision needs to be made: do I keep up with the sprint across Spain doing 18 miles a day for a total of 500 miles? Or do I do the last 300 miles slowly and walk to the sea? Have I failed myself? Have I failed you? God? I have broken.. my Spanish dancer has betrayed me and I have betrayed myself.

Note: Pack wins the day again. I think it´s smarter than me in many ways.

Walking through Spain

What is very interesting about the walk in Spain is that the walking part is mostly done alone. Every now and then you may walk with someone but it is alone. Then when you arrive to a destination for the night everyone share´s their personal experiences along their journey with both old and new friends. Old friends are the people you have met 6 days ago. The sharing of one´s heart and one´s life is priceless and to see the changes people have made along the way. So the feeling of today is love. Love of the process, love of the walk, and most importantly love of the (our) Camino community. Some new people some old but a community none the less. What makes me laugh us that I have no idea when I am in Spain. It´s a dot on a map with no name. But it´s a part of the Camino. A city that was created only for the Camino. A city whose soul purpose was to share and care for the pilgrims of the Camino. How many cities do you know like that? here in Spain there are many. How can cities exist like that but we as humans cannot. Are we not kinda missing the point of being alive?

Note; Today belongs to the pack. It gave me hell today. HA HA it said to me... Damn the pack...

Learning along the way

I learned a couple of things today. First that I often have quite profound thoughts and think - wow that´s pretty good.. and in the next second I see something that takes away my attention and then completely for the great peace around the world thought. AHH getting older is not for wimps. The second thing I learned is about hand holding. To me whenever I thought about holding someone´s hand or someone holding mine I always thought of the phrase as a way to help me. Like there was a holder and holdee.. One above or below the other. However along the path I learned that when 2 hands met it was a coming together, a kind of ebb and flow of spirit. Each hand was both giving and receiving. Each hand sharing in the experience of the touch, of the exchange of energy. Each hand reaching through the abyss to form the most perfect union. Neither one more, neither one less. Then to see the hands of a child and parent touch it was magic! To me this is a very human and intimate experience to hold someone´s hand and to have them hold mine.

Note: The pack and I are making peace with each other. We are learning to get along by understanding that neither can move forward down the path without each other.. HA!

End of Day 2

So another day of 18 miles walking. The path continued down the mountains. Today was a day of allowing. Allowing the path to take me on its journey. Although it was still up and down, we had a glorious day in the woods. I find it interesting that last night we visited God in his church and today we were in God´s temple, outdoors. Both so glorious!
I never knew I could be this tired and quite so sore at the exact same time. However seeing my friends along the way was a treat indeed. At the end of the day there was no room at the inn (you can make the connection if you want) so I had to take a taxi to Pamplona (the city that continues to call me). So we missed about 18 miles of the journey. (that was tomorrow´s walk) But along the way the path allowed me to think, to let go and recognize it´s not the number of miles or even number of steps, it´s just the next step that counts.
Note: Because the pain is so bad in my calves and feet there will be another day of rest here in Pamplona. (apparently my new hometown in Spain)

End of day 1, Roncesvalles

What goes up must come down right? Day 1 has consisted of 16 miles up, up, up and 2.87 miles DOWN, D O W N. This day and this walk has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. EVER (but most importantly I have done it, wow can´t even believe it!) . So first of all I want to thank each any everyone of you for your thoughts and prayers today. This was the day of all my worry and fear. I could not have made this journey alone, without you! Secondly, I will NEVER do this part again. Never. However one thing that I found really interesting along the way is how everyone is pulling everyone along this path. People along the path helping each other. Never to meet again, but yet sharing in this pain and this moment caring about each one along the way. So very special. So along the way I have met many people and have made friends from all over the world. How comforting I has been to hear Hola bonnie how are you? My faith in humanity has been restored. What Katrina took from me, the Pyrenees gave back to me. After a traditional Pilgrim dinner I went to a Catholic Mass. That´s right, mass (thought of you mom). It´s a special mass for all of the pilgrims. A woman from the Netherlands and I sat and quietly wept thought the whole mass. Needless to say it was quite moving. As you know a part of my quest on this journey was to find God, well God was in that church with those people, all of us! What a great honor share this journey (which started for me on 9/9/09) with the people today as well as those that have traveled this path for over 1 thousand year. Tomorrow we walk again. Just 1 foot in front of the other... I can do that...

The Journey Begins

Somewhere in the Pyrenees...
Ok first of all when they call the Pyrenees Mountain, they really mean mountains. They do not mean Monkey Hill or levees around the lake or river, the mean mountains. At this time I am 4000 feet above sea level. Who knew there was even air here or that I would not need an oxygen mask. I told some of my new friends that if they found me dead in the mountains to leave me there for the wolves and eagles to eat (as I am especially taste, not too much muscle yet) and where they may find to the good stuff to take with them. Sp no matter what people say, my opinion is now mountains are mountains. I have been walking uphill since 7:45 am and it´s now 1:30. And I have gone 9.30 miles. But most importantly I have not quit. I know the Camino is a lesson in letting go, but today it is a lesson in allowing and striving. And eagle flies overhead and I am on top of a mountain. Sheep wander through and their bells are a lovely background sound. As I sit in the grass with the sun on my face, I really do wonder why am I here. What do I hope to receive at the end and at the end was all of this pain worth it? But those are the same questions we ask ourselves at our lives in general. So in many ways the Camino is a symbol of our lives just in a quicker time frame and all on foot. We shall see where it leads us, yes? There is only one way down one foot in front of another...

Finally some good news!

Well I have finally met some English speaking people on this journey. Up until this night I have been very afraid of continuing on by myself. I know I can do it but to get started has been a great challenge. Again the Camino speaks to me about trust. Trust that all will be ok, trust that all needed will be provided and trust that we are all alive and important to the Creator (God) or whatever you may say. Again I am so completely surprised how hard it is to stand at a 20 year dream and take the first step.. One would think it would be the easiest because we have taken so many others to get to this point.. but this one seems to be the biggest. Who will we be when we are finished? Why will be? Will what we know as truth be the same or different? I think we both know the answers to these questions but still they need to be asked. Again I would like to thank all of you for your prayers and support, as I could not have come this far without you. You all are in the front of my mind and keep me motivated to move forward. Please continue to help me as these mountains are very scary and I have a great deal of fear to cross them. Your strength mine as my fear is yours.. We will walk together!

Pamplona

Well the journey to the walk is almost over and in many ways just beginning. I was very proud of myself yesterday as I was able to change my train reservations to an earlier one. Proud as communication here is a challenge. (no one to talk too either, imagine my words are backing up in my head) (yes I know I talk a great deal thank you!) Arrived here just in time for a lovely street fair. With my ever present worrying about beginning to walk I went to bed early only to awaken at 12:00. I woke myself up crying... Now I am crying in my sleep. I am getting on my own nerves! I was dreaming about the time when I first read about the Camino. Dreaming about my daydreaming... going crazy for sure. I was overwhelmed with emotion and to think 20 years later I am here. A subtle thought while reading about this 20 year ago : Geez I would like to do that one day.. and that one day is NOW. I then had the feeling of cracking (kinda like the hulk on cracking on the inside not growing on the outside.) This feeling has come over me the last few weeks as I get closer to the walk. I know that I am breaking up the old me to allow the next me to emerge but not quite sure what or who that new me will be. I slept maybe 3 hours last night waiting... waiting for the rest of me to catch up..

Update: All travel plans arranged. Will taxi to France on the 8th to begin Camino on the 9th. Bien Camino indeed!

Train Station- a place of emotion

As I travel through places I am seized by the emotions I find in these places of departures and arrivals. Over there I see a husband and wife saying a very tearful goodbye and yet over there is a family full of excitement waiting for their daughter to get off the same train as me. From where is she returning? I think about how those same feelings apply to my life. I have felt both of these emotions before. Haven´t you? Isn´t it funny (interesting) how one place can be either happy or sad depending on which way you are going?

Note: I LOVE the emotions of Spanish men. How they hug and kiss... So great seeing men expressing how they really feel.

The Alhambra

I have travelled 3 days to get to the Alhambra. Would it be everything I hoped for or nothing at all? Almost didn´t come, just wanted to hurry up and walk. (see previous post about control freak) Well after walking 8 grueling miles I now sit down and write. I entered the grounds through a magnificent door and was home. All I could hear was the Islamic call to prayer. (yes it was in my bad catholic girl´s head) . I walked around the grounds and smelled roses where there were none. When I came to the Catholic church (as the Alhambra is both Islamic and Catholic like Granada) I had to sit down, tear come rolling down my cheeks. There was God in that church. The God we can only find when we stop to listen.... Saw the old San Francisco monastery was located.. Saw and felt it all.. Knew I had lived here before during both periods Islamic and Catholic. As in Ireland I picked up a piece of myself I had left for me to find. So was it worth the trip? You must come for yourself and see...

Granada - The Alhambra Backstory

Late last year my pity friend (now known as dear friend and colleague DFaC) asked me if I could live anywhere where would it be? Now as a proud native of New Orleans I was sad that I would consider anything outside New Orleans home. Earlier this year that question really loomed with the statement made from another friend that in 3 years I would be 50. Thus began the crisis in earnest.

(note: for those non-metaphysical people out there you may want to skip forward a bit).

I had this incredible feeling (urge) that I was to travel somewhere but I could not figure out where. Since not sure I went to visit someone who could help. The whole time I was there she kept saying... red.. bull....water... fortress castle.. then finally Alhambra. She asked me if I had ever heard of it (as she had not) and of course I had not either. She said this is where you have to visit. Where is it I asked..We found it on the Internet - Granada Spain.

So here I am 8 months later. When I got off the train late at night, I was enthralled! Granada is a city (big city) like the French Quarter. Small streets, alley ways, multiple cultures, old and new but ALIVE. I was- am in love. So DFaC I would love to live here, in Granada. (just need to work on my Spanish and telling of the time)

Confession: Hello my name is..

My name is Bonnie and I am a control freak. As hard as it is (thus the control freakness) I need to admit it. This thought came to me somewhere between Madrid and Granada. After missing the morning train (again with the time) I realized I had 6 hours to wait until the next one left for Granada. Well I was ready to go... Madrid was beautiful and very BIG so I didn´t wonder too far away from the station. Then while on the train it dawned on me: I am on vacation in Spain. Now many of you are already aware of this, but it was kinda shocking to me. (not the sharpest tack in the box) I had been to focus on the other stuff (home, life, getting ready to walk) that I forgot to pay attention where I was and to enjoy the moment. This moment. I realized that I was missing many this moments in my life. Focused on the before moments or the after moments completely forgetting about these moments. (now moments) While trying to control them all. Not doing so well with that... So I guess I had better learn to let go and not control any of the moments and just live in the now moments. Not that easy I must admit but the right answer none the less. I came to understand how my fear was robbing me of my now. Hello Bonnie you are on a once in a lifetime vacation. 40 days in Spain. This is your now calling, are you ready?

How in the world did i get here?

Now I know I signed up for this trip. I can remember going to the travel agent´s office and talking about the trip. I also remember paying for it when the bill came, but how did I get here? Last night while lying in bed I was thinking I was crazy. I had planned for the Camino in my mind but completely forgot about the small trip to Granada before. So Madrid is big, busy and loud! Not exactly walking alone in quiet contemplation on a trail across northern Spain. Missed my early bus can´t tell time in Spain so wondering around city waiting for next one. Sleep is a premium as I still have not adjusted to new time zone. It seems like every step on this path to the Camino has been a challenge -right from the start. I can only hope the actual walk is easier than the journey to get there. Maybe I just need to relax and enjoy the ride. power vs. control... allow or steer. trust in the universe? This is my journey.

Madrid Finally

So this is Madrid. So far I have seen the inside of the hotel! But there is a big tub - guess where I will be soon. Can´t figure out: (1) Spanish (2) what time it is? (3) 24 hour clocks (4) Spain´s toilet. I thought I would be an ok traveler, but never in my life have I come to understand how American we Americans are. There is a whole world out there that we can´t (don´t, won´t) connect to.

You have got to be kidding me!

Somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean - the pilot comes over the PA system and announces we have a problem....

After a nice dinner the night before I left, the night ended in a disaster. Why does fear push us to do and say things we later regret? I slept fitfully for 5 hours and decided to catch the Canal Street Ferry to see the sun rise over New Orleans. Since I have seen the city gently pass from day to night I thought it would be a perfect beginning to day to see the city I love so much awaken. Still unable to completely put together thoughts and words about the night before I leave on my adventure. Have you ever experienced a complete sense of regret for the things you have done and failed to do? Not the kind where you are are just sorry - but the kind that tears your heart out? I mean to the core regret. Mine hit me somewhere over Alabama.... Tears of sadness flow...

The pilot continues on the PA system - although it´s a serious problem we are not in any immediate danger. (my first thought is - right like you would really tell us we have 45 seconds to live). He continues 1 out of our 3 navigation systems has gone down and since it´s my main source for navigation, we are returning to Philadelphia. The irony of the situation was not lost on me. Our pilot is lost somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean minus 1 navigation system and I am lost in my life without 1 of mine. (mental navigation = check, emotional navigation = wobbley but check, spiritual navigation = hello spiritual ?? anyone out there. OK so no check there) The Atlantic is dark out my window and my fear is now rampant.

Finally the lights of Philadelphia appear - back where I started.

Trepidation

Ok so I leave tomorrow and first of all I want to thank all of my friends and family that have wished me well on this journey. It is truly a humbling experience to have heard from so many of you and some that I haven't spoken to in many many years. I was thinking about that last night – how time and life has separated us and lucky I feel to know each and every one of you. We have shared a common point in our lives. One that can't be recreated and interestingly enough one that will never be forgotten. I have been thinking (remembering) how every person I meet lives and is loved inside of me. Is that what being a human is about - moving forward in our lives; while all the time participating in the collection of memories? I have been told on several occasions how brave I am to go on this journey. I want to state for the record that I am scared – shitless. I have often wondered what was I thinking? However life requires us to make choices – to stand still or move forward. For me standing still was no longer an option. I need to meet life out there – where life happens. To embrace all that is offered and leave a piece of me here when I go. To me that is not courage; it's the opposite it's giving in and allowing. Allowing it all to just flow – to me and from me - to be one with it all. I will bring each and every one of your on this journey - for in many ways- I walk for us all. ¡Buen Camino!

THE PACK

How can an inanimate object take over one's life? THE PACK has taken over my room – stuff everywhere. It has become to me evil incarnate. It speaks to me during the day – (you have more room) and then again at night (are you nuts you can't carry all of that stuff). I have been obsessing about this pack for a month. When everything weighs something – what do you really, really, really need to bring? I never really thought of myself as particularly materialistic, but when it comes to 17-19 pound of items (including pack and water) the choices become very limited. Do I really need eye cream? What about body lotion? I have my basics down pat- clothing minimal, sleeping bag, crocks, journal, and guidebook. So it's the damn toilet articles. They seem to really weight the most and for some reason the hardest to part with. I don't mind to smell (well ok smell-ish) and my hair is way way short so easy there. How can I do without my lotions and potions?? I have packed, stood on the scale. Unpacked, stood on the scale. Unpacked more stood on the scale. Why do I get heavier as I take things out? Crap! With the packing now at a fevered pace, I am still unsure what I will bring and leave behind. Wait THE PACK is calling me… gotta run

Thoughts on Camino de Santiago

Questions

Note: if you see yourself in any of these questions, please understand you are not the only ones that have asked them. As I make my way through my family and friends telling them about my Camino, I get asked many very interesting questions. Now most of the time these questions are coming from people who (a) don't go outside; (B) don't walk around the block (c) apparently don't realize that Spain is bigger than they thought. The most prevalent was: Do you have good shoes? My immediate first thought is shoes? I need shoes? Really thanks for thinking about that for me. Usually after I answer about the shoes, they ask "Are they broken in real well?" Again I think you mean I should actually put them on my feet BEFORE I leave? Who knew?? The next most popular question is: "500 miles, how far is that?" I usually answer 500 miles. They respond not but really how far is that? And again I say 500 miles. Then the last question: "Is Spain 500 miles across?" My response is usually: "no we just walk all the way across until we hit the ocean and keep going until we get to 500 miles. Then without fail comes: "Well if you keep walking what country is on the other side of Spain? I respond USA. The looks from that answer usually stop the questions. So thanks to all of my family and friends!

Be Careful What You Wish For

In the beginning of the year when I first started to think about the Camino, I recognized that it was a symbol of my life. Before the walk was my life as a child, young woman, woman. After the walk woman, older woman, old woman. So I knew that as much as I was to walk toward something I was walking away from something too. I was to walk away from my life as I have known it since birth. All of my thoughts, feelings and beliefs that were no longer useful for me. Well so I thought. Those things would have been very easy for me since they exist inside of me. But the Camino is a tough taskmaster. She was to ask me to give up everything. Everything that tied me to my past. So I have moved my mother to Dallas, sold the family home, left a 17 year relationship, 3 cats and 2 dogs, my home and all of my sources income. It seems like every time I think well this has to be it – it isn't. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning (got my Camino haircut- could it be any shorter?) and I can't even recognize who I am. My hair (what's left of it) is turning gray, my face just looks – well- older. And so I continue to path to walking. My only hope and prayer at this point is that the walk itself is easier than the walk to prepare for the walk.

And so it begins

I have heard from many that the Camino calls to those that need to walk. For me the first time heard about the Camino was 20 years ago. I thought- that sounds like an adventure I would love. Well I leave in 6 days to walk. This is my mid-life crisis. In 3 years I will be 50, not that there is anything wrong with 50, but 50 none the less. I recognized that in many ways I had turned conventional and for someone who is never conventional, conventional was scary. So now I walk.