Arrival

Even though I have arrived in New Orleans and I have completed my journey (the anti-camino) in Spain, I had hoped I would feel .. well I guess relieved. Instead I feel sadness, sadness in returning to the place of my birth, my home yet feeling disconnected.... Sadness for what has changed and what has not. I walk about my apartment and I look closely at my things - yes those are my books, and yes my clothes, shoes, computer... But I feel - really feel - I don't live here anymore. After wanting nothing more than to get home for days (homesickness) I realized very very early this morning - I really don't have a home. I love this place - it's warm, safe but somehow not mine. (now not sure it ever was). So after wondering around Spain for 34 days I must continue my wondering. (like Cain in the TV Kung Fu- am I destined to wonder the earth?) How in the hell did this happen? All I have ever wanted was a home (a safe place to lay, to be small). This is very upsetting. Very upsetting indeed (yes that is a mild understatement). So I sit here in the early am (late am in Spain) and weep. Why? Because I really really thought I would have some comfort here, just some... any.. So I clean my desk. Tidy desk = tidy emotions Right? I feel back to the lessons of the camino - patience- acceptance- courage- faith. I need them now in many ways more than when I was out there. Because out there I thought I had here and here I know I have what's real and most importantly what's not. I know I am always home with myself but where is my(self) home? Where can I lay my weary head to rest? Just for a little while... to sleep perchance to dream.. ahh to dream..