Why do I do this to myself?

I woke this morning with my head spinning around.   I could not sleep again.  I have spent the last month existing on caffeine and cigarettes.  Why? I took a project for work that I am not particularly suited for because of… well money and prestige.  Normally I wouldn't have done this, but eating and ego seemed to be good enough reasons.  The project has limped along, consuming my days and nights for the past month, soon it will be over.  Never have I wanted anything more.

However, this morning my internal attacks begin, in earnest.  All along there has been that voice in my head constantly drumming its tune, “not good enough, things must be perfect.”  This morning due to lack of sleep the drumming became a roar.  All of these thoughts and feeling I hold in my head and heart come out with a rush whoosh.  And I believe them. 

I begin to melt into the darkness, wondering if this will ever end.  Why do I do this to myself? My mind (who is quite tricky) throws back at me all of these thoughts and feelings stored in the DNA of my being, failure, looser, inadequate.  It seems that if I make one stumble I am there to push myself even lower. 

I sit quietly and wait.  Breathing slowly I walk toward that darkness, realizing that it must be entered to become seen.  I move into these feelings, welcoming them home as if they were a long lost friend.  I encourage them to move through my body as sensations and relish in their energy.  I ask myself, why do I choose to believe these particular negative thoughts about myself?  Why must I defend myself against the very self that is attacking? Why must I struggle in this never ending struggle of me vs. me?

I breathe more deeply, allowing the morning sun to share its radiance.  I welcome the warmth and light into my body, breathing in the morning air. The moment of crisis has past.

Have the challenges of the past month gone? Nothing has changed.  Has the project improved? Nothing has changed.  But I have changed.  This particular battle between me and me is over.  I rest comfortably knowing that there will be another and another and yet still another, and by allowing these thoughts and feelings to come, welcoming them home, they will steadily walk away. 

I breathe in and out deeply and begin the day.