My Truth About Lying

I woke up this morning with the brain in its “full on position”, again, working with the analysis of life’s quandaries. This morning it was on lying. 

So naturally I thought; I am not a liar. As if in some small way I could separate the person from the deed. Then the voice inside me said; you don’t lie… until you do. 

So I had to explore, why do I lie? In fact it is in my nature to be quite truthful and forthcoming, so why do I do this? 

My mind wonders through society, situations then hits on someone I have lied to. Why did I do this? Why did I lie to them? I begin to realize that I lied to them; and for that matter, all the reasons I lie is; I want you to love me or I want you to see me in an idealized light. I am afraid that if you see “me” well, you know that thought.

In every way for me it is about power. I feel powerless (afraid, unsure) and in some very small way the lie keeps me powerful, keeps me safe.  But can simple words keep me safe? And in that same vein, can words bring me actual harm? No, not the implied meaning of these words, but the letters within the words themselves?  Of course that sounds silly; as I have never heard of an attack by the letter M.  (Z maybe and you had better watch out for that Q, it is always followed by the U and we all know how U's can be,  J but I digress). 

I have now come to understand that: lies are the truth wrapped in a different color paper. Maybe it's the truth I want so desperately to believe, maybe it's the truth in this moment that I think I need; to gain your or even my own approval, doesn't matter. For in that moment, for that very second, it was true. My words reflected my truth: I was afraid. I spoke the words of fear and that fear was my truth. Whatever words came out of my mouth, they are irrelevant; as they began in the truth of that instant emotion.

My life’s purpose has always been (now is that really true?)  continuing on, that I live authentically. I used to believe that authentic living meant to be truthful to the moment. I have now come to a simpler place; just to be the moment, alive to it, within it. Not separate from it in truth or lies, simply within, lung breathing, heart pumping no more and no less.

It is from this vantage point that I have found for me both truth and lies are all the same; exactly as is dark and light are the same things; just things seen from different perspectives. So to me lies are truth wrapped in different color paper. Whether or not I choose to open them (share my lies with you) or not is of no consequence for they are perfect in their own way. So will I lie again? 

No, of course not, until I do. And so it goes; lung breathing, heart pumping; alive,and most definitely human.

Why do I do this to myself?

I woke this morning with my head spinning around.   I could not sleep again.  I have spent the last month existing on caffeine and cigarettes.  Why? I took a project for work that I am not particularly suited for because of… well money and prestige.  Normally I wouldn't have done this, but eating and ego seemed to be good enough reasons.  The project has limped along, consuming my days and nights for the past month, soon it will be over.  Never have I wanted anything more.

However, this morning my internal attacks begin, in earnest.  All along there has been that voice in my head constantly drumming its tune, “not good enough, things must be perfect.”  This morning due to lack of sleep the drumming became a roar.  All of these thoughts and feeling I hold in my head and heart come out with a rush whoosh.  And I believe them. 

I begin to melt into the darkness, wondering if this will ever end.  Why do I do this to myself? My mind (who is quite tricky) throws back at me all of these thoughts and feelings stored in the DNA of my being, failure, looser, inadequate.  It seems that if I make one stumble I am there to push myself even lower. 

I sit quietly and wait.  Breathing slowly I walk toward that darkness, realizing that it must be entered to become seen.  I move into these feelings, welcoming them home as if they were a long lost friend.  I encourage them to move through my body as sensations and relish in their energy.  I ask myself, why do I choose to believe these particular negative thoughts about myself?  Why must I defend myself against the very self that is attacking? Why must I struggle in this never ending struggle of me vs. me?

I breathe more deeply, allowing the morning sun to share its radiance.  I welcome the warmth and light into my body, breathing in the morning air. The moment of crisis has past.

Have the challenges of the past month gone? Nothing has changed.  Has the project improved? Nothing has changed.  But I have changed.  This particular battle between me and me is over.  I rest comfortably knowing that there will be another and another and yet still another, and by allowing these thoughts and feelings to come, welcoming them home, they will steadily walk away. 

I breathe in and out deeply and begin the day.  

The Universe’s Gently Reminder to Slow Down

I have been very busy working on a project.  It was originally scheduled to be a month’s worth of work that has been condensed into 10 days.  All it seems I have been doing is work, smoke (I know), and sleeping, always forgetting about eating.  The push to get things done seems to be the overwhelming thought that I wake up to and go to be with. 

Today was no different.  Wake up early, drink my morning cup of tea and begin my 12 hour work day.  Sigh.  In the background I have classical music playing, as it seems to sooth my ragged nerves.  My thoughts are pushing me back to work, “must be completed”, “get this done right”, “over deliver”.  The continued stress grows.  Then out of nowhere comes this tune by Pachelbel’s Canon in D. 

I have always loved this song, but never really knew who wrote it.  My mind stops… listens.  No really listens.  It seems I am hearing it for the first time, and in some small way written for me for this exact moment in time.  It brings me to tears.  The waves of joy and gratitude rush through my body.  I feel this momentous shift, from overwhelmed to completeness; peace.  I simply breathe the music and all the emotions through my body. 

I am now remembering that it is the space in between objects, words, and even actions are where magic lives.  It is there where we can find our comfort, our home.  It is where I often forget to go, being too busy with the requirements of my everyday life. 

I am grateful for Pachelbel to have written this piece of music in the 17^th century and James Galway  to have played this music for me today.  For it reminded me of the timelessness of life and the space that exists within this life.  The space that is never ending and within it I find so much comfort. 

And now I exhale… and really listen... and get back to work! J

Perception: The Different Between a Millimeter and a Mile

I was having a conversation the other day with a friend of mine, talking about what we had been experiencing the last couple of years.  Now in full disclosure, when I know there is a possibility of these discussions, I usually show up with Diet Coke and party sandwiches ready for the slumber party!  But I digress...

I was telling her how over the last few years I have really embraced the concept of vulnerability.  I was explaining all of the discoveries and terrible heartaches this concept had made available to me.  How although it is a painful road, I have relished in this journey. 

She looked at me and said simply; vulnerability is a sign of weakness.  I was stunned by this comment as I was feeling particularly strong for facing vulnerability.  So I had the thought, is vulnerability weakness?  I had to admit to myself, that of course; I had always thought of it as a weakness, as I had taken this on as my own personal mantra. 

This mantra had been the most telling voice in my head, which drove me.  I would in no way, EVER, show others that I was weak or vulnerable.  I was capable, fearless, and impenetrable.  Never letting you see me bleed.  But oh how over the last few years I was bleeding.  It seems as if I open the flood gates and all of this came running out.  I would bleed on you if you were in shouting distance.  “Over here!  I am bleeding!” 

During this time, I could really see the paradox in these feelings.  The more I bled, the stronger I felt.  The more I was told I was weak, the more I saw the strength within me growing.  I was facing a core fear in myself.  The fear that if I needed you and asked you for assistance, you wouldn't love me.  And if I needed your help, I wasn't uh me; thus unlovable. 

In the past I would have taken her comments and reacted, VERY STRONGLY.  Aggressively pushing those words and her back, until she admitted defeat.  But by embracing the very strong, silent side of vulnerability I realized that I was stronger than I ever had been.  By facing a core fear and walking to it and through it, I found the me I knew I was.  Not the fearful me afraid of you, but the one that can embrace the “us” together. 

Truly the paradox of life.  How grateful I am. 

Weakness =strength

Me = us

Us = all that is and ever could be

In that understanding I am able to see that it is our perspectives (millimeters) that put the distance of miles between us.  I stand open hearted to my vulnerability to you, welcoming you to meet me here. 

Namaste