Signs of Life

From under the rubble of the of this earthquake know as this current year of my life, I sit and wait... for... aftershocks. I reflect on how all of this started a few short months ago. I wanted a change. But for me a change is like purchasing and wearing a brown pair of slacks or ordering something different from my the menu of my favorite restaurant. What I have gotten is cataclysmic. The cost for me has been 2 people very dear to me (through movement), 2 places I have called home (this year), my business, 4 cats (1 to death), 2 dogs, my home town (too much sadness for me here), and every ounce of physical and emotional energy just to keep walking. I knew the Camino would be expensive but I really hope that I have paid my bill in full.

The decision is made... I leave New Orleans and move to Dallas. I am clear that for me to do what I need to do in my life now is no longer here in my hometown. And so I must move on.. Since this decision the aftershocks come... I wonder around the house - fall apart- get up - make the bed, wonder around the house- fall apart- get up - brush my teeth. I am sure you get the picture. To me this is the courageous part of the journey. To see and know what is ahead - fear it with every ounce of my being (and want it even less) but going there by putting one foot in front of the other. One dreaded step at a time. Yes I know they get easier - but that is in time- and now is not that time. So in thinking about all of this I thought of you - all of you -both known and unknown to me. The people that have read this blog and shared with me my most challenging and personal journey. I can only hope that by you seeing and feeling with me that in some small way you were able to see a bit out of your darkness. For I know without this there would have been no light at all for me. Through you and this blog I have found my voice, my calling. (yes I do know that I've never been accused of not having a voice). I am going to continue to write this blog as I move down my path. I hope you decide to continue to read it. While I was in Spain I wrote several pages of topics I wanted to cover but did not the time to get to them all. I would love and encourage you to give me feedback or thoughts on my blog (now or in the future) for without you this is just me rambling to air and I do enough of that already. (I know, I know - I talk a lot).

Again I want to say how deeply humbled and appreciative of how each of you supported and continue to support me in this.... well... I guess it's my life. How grateful I am.

Earthquake

My room was shaking wildly, the bed was throwing me violently around then all of a sudden nothing. No-thing. Was I awake, asleep, dead? Was this real? My arrival home although physically uneventful has been a challenge. My fears about time moving on and my not fitting back in here in my home were proven to be true. The room was silent and dark and I was in a very cold sweat heart pumping right though my chest. What had just happened? A slow realization came to me, I had just hit the bottom. The bottom we all fear, the bottom we all dread, the bottom that we all run from with every ounce of our being from ever seeing. The last bit of me left shook and shuttered until there was nothing left. While floating in that space in between... (the space between notes in a song, the space in between the in breath and out breath. The space that makes both ends so magnificent. I saw and felt the emptiness. And I knew that I had traveled to the point of creation within me. The place I had come from, the full expanse of the universe itself. In that moment I knew I was free. Free from the ties that bound me (past and future)Free from the reasons why and why not.. free... From this point I knew although all things were done the future, my future was a pristine clean blank slate. While the vastness of this opportunity was exciting it was also quite overwhelming. What I knew was that I had witnessed was the death of my ego. Who I thought I was was dead. Who I believed I had become was shaken clear. My ego in every way the best and worst in me was in a heap on the floor right beside me. I stood up brushed myself off all the while the tears flowing freely from my heart. This dark allowed me a very safe place to simply fall apart. Now what, where, who? If not here where? If not me then who? Without the ego then what? I opened my eyes to a whole new world - a whole new me. Full of potential and freedom. The next thought - OH SHIT!

Arrival

Even though I have arrived in New Orleans and I have completed my journey (the anti-camino) in Spain, I had hoped I would feel .. well I guess relieved. Instead I feel sadness, sadness in returning to the place of my birth, my home yet feeling disconnected.... Sadness for what has changed and what has not. I walk about my apartment and I look closely at my things - yes those are my books, and yes my clothes, shoes, computer... But I feel - really feel - I don't live here anymore. After wanting nothing more than to get home for days (homesickness) I realized very very early this morning - I really don't have a home. I love this place - it's warm, safe but somehow not mine. (now not sure it ever was). So after wondering around Spain for 34 days I must continue my wondering. (like Cain in the TV Kung Fu- am I destined to wonder the earth?) How in the hell did this happen? All I have ever wanted was a home (a safe place to lay, to be small). This is very upsetting. Very upsetting indeed (yes that is a mild understatement). So I sit here in the early am (late am in Spain) and weep. Why? Because I really really thought I would have some comfort here, just some... any.. So I clean my desk. Tidy desk = tidy emotions Right? I feel back to the lessons of the camino - patience- acceptance- courage- faith. I need them now in many ways more than when I was out there. Because out there I thought I had here and here I know I have what's real and most importantly what's not. I know I am always home with myself but where is my(self) home? Where can I lay my weary head to rest? Just for a little while... to sleep perchance to dream.. ahh to dream..

1 million little pieces

As I lay in bed my last day I Spain, I begin to reflect on the last month's adventure. My mind quickly moves past September and slides (to my surprise) to the 2 months before I leave. I feel the need to look very candidly into my internal mirror. To really see myself through the exact same lens that I viewed myself while on the Camino. To my shock and horror I saw just a faint outline of what used to be me. Not a shadow self, but an outline of myself. I was no longer recognizable. I had (to borrow the term) shattered into a million little pieces and all that was left was the outline of what used to be me. I am not sure when, how or even why I shattered but really that didn't matter. As time moved through September, I realized that I had begun to pick up the pieces of me and place them into a leather pouch around my waistband. I realized that life's events before I left for Spain had actually shattered me and the first part of my anti-camino just finished the job. In that moment I felt some relief and compassion. Relief for the understanding and compassion for me and what I was trying to do. For in that moment I could see how hard I had pushed and shoved and how deeply I had wanted things to be so very different and I simply shattered into those dreadful pieces. I came back to the hotel room and I knew that I was no longer in a million little pieces. That along the way of my anti-camino I had managed to take some of the pieces of me out of the pouch and place them back into me. Slowly the outline began to fade and the many colors and hues of the real me had begun to take shape. I looked closely and in many ways I looked the same and other so very different. I placed my hand into my leather pouch and felt a few more pieces that were no longer me. Pieces of me that needed to stay in Spain. My mind drifted back to the beach in Fisterre and I buried those pieces there (the same place I burned the intentions) to symbolize that the old me had come to an end. I know I have hardly even begun this process and that my return home is just the beginning. However I feel fresh, strong, capable and willing. The Camino gave me that, I gave me that. The end and the beginning indeed.

Thankful

I just wanted to write a short note before I left Santiago for the last time to give thanks to all of the fellow Peregrinos who I have met along the way. Each and every one of you will remain a part of me for the rest of my life. How lucky I am to have shared this journey with you. I especially want to thank the ones who helped me along the way. For without your unconditional love and support I don´t think I could have made this journey. it was quite scary to venture out on my own, but now I have friends from all over the world. For me this journey was about you - the people along the way. You have touched me deeply and completely at my core. Buen Camino!

Questions

I woke up to a thick mist covering Fisterre. And as the morning wore on it just got thicker and thicker. How symbolic, for the last day on my camino. I came on the camino for clarity and this the last day is filled with a deep mist (could not see past 3 feet). The bus rolled out of Fisterre on it´s way back to Santiago and I thought of the delicate dance between questions and answers. I have always felt that in my searching I was looking for answers, completely forgetting about the other half of the equation - the questions one asks to get to these answers. The wrong questions gets the wrong answer. In computers we call that garbage in - garbage out. So I thought about questions... are there really wrong questions? Perhaps there are just less precise questions. Questions that will lead us to a more precise answer. Am I asking myself enough questions? Then I realized that I should not be looking for answers but instead I should be looking for the questions. For in asking the right questions I can find all the answers inside of me. But the real key here is the willingness to ask and ask and ask some more until I get to the truth that exists within me. I realized that I often did not ask enough questions. Questions are the treasure map to my truth. Ironically as the mist lifted I realized that I had not come on this camino to find answers but instead I came the clarity of the questions for the answersthat all that i seek existed within me before i even walked one step of the Camino. Touche´

Courage

I woke up this morning thinking about what is courage? I met a woman yesterday who simply walked out of her life in Germany and started walking the camino from her door. She has been walking since May and has not even thought about stopping. Is that courage? She told me she hoped she was walking to something and not from something. It dawned on me that you can´t really walk to something without walking away from something. For example you can´t go to the grocery store and not leave your house. In my anti-camino I needed to be willing to leave everything behind to walk to my future. What will be most interesting is what will I have left when I do actually return. I really don´t think it took that much courage to leave. For me it was very difficult to get moving but once on the way.. ok. But I would not call that courage but perhaps a great deal of determination. To me the most courageous part of this journey is to return to the people and place that I started from as a different person and to build from there. Here on the camino we are all in the same place, the camino bubble, so we get courage from the others in our shared experience. Each Pilgrim although different share in the common journey and challenges. Home? Well although everything has changed for me, time as home is just as it always is, another month in another year has passed. Time on the camino is both slow and expanded at the same time so we have the opportunity for more movement and change than the average person living their everyday life. Time will go back to normal for me in a couple of weeks. So although I am excited to come home, I think about how will it all be? How can\will I integrate the new me into my old place? (this new me is a bit smaller though so may not fix exactly in old clothes) but at first fitting is all that I have. I can´t create until I see where I am. So the real courage is not to walk away, anyone can do that, the true test of courage is can I come back to begin again?