The Dream of Drowning

I awoke early this morning, again; in a pool of… I struggle to consciousness from an apparent deep sleep.  Where was I? What was I doing again?  I notice that I am covered with sweat.  Ah, it must have been a dream. Or was it?  

As I begin to pull myself from my slumber, I remember I was in a vast pool of water, drowning.  Or was I simply struggling to breathe?  I allow that thought to wonder through my brain, breathing under water?  Could that be possible?  

Then my then fully conscious mind moves to from the dream to the symbolism this dream represents in my “awaken” life.  When do I think or feel as if  I am underwater?  How do I feel or react when I believe this to be true? Do I struggle to get out? Do fight with everything I have to get back to dry land? (a place of seeming in control and safety?)   Literally underwater or feeling like I am underwater…  Where are the differences?  Are they any, differences, really?  Don't I react, think or feel in the same way?

So as the gentle light of the sunrise moves me from darkness to light, I begin to understand.  Perhaps all I need are different eyes to see and gills to breathe.  Realizing that being underwater and on land can be the exact same thing, if I were equipped with gills. 

So in the gentle light of day, I discover that I have both gills and lungs, everything that I need to live in either place, land or sea.  With that knowledge, I completely understand when I find myself in situations that feel as if I am drowning, I know I have all that I need to be OK.  And the first step to relax and breathe.  From there it is easy, for I am home. 

“It All Depends on How We Look at Things, and Not How They Are in Themselves”

Ah, Carl Jung.  So is it the thing I see or is it a lifetime of memories that I see?  I have often given much thought to the concept of thoughts. (Nuts, thinking about thinking).

I have often caught myself in the middle of a conversation and sometimes even an argument between someone else and me in my thoughts.  Have you?  I can quickly run through the dialogue speaking all parts, feeling totally justified by my all of my thoughts and emotions.  Only to look around the room and see… well, no one except me.  To whom was I speaking?  To what purpose was this conversation? All of this happened in my head or did any of that actually exist? To me it was a real as any conversation, but the person that I was speaking to was in no way here to  hear any of this. 

And so I wonder how have these thoughts changed or affected my opinions or actions toward this person.  Has this, visible only to me conversation, changed “how I look at things and not see how they are themselves?”  Has this conversation brought me closer or farther from the realness of the moments of time I share with them?

Thoughts have always been to me as real as an apple. For it was from my thoughts that everything else in my life moved.  Think about an apple. What do you see? Can you hear the sound when you bite into it? Can you taste the sweetness? Can you feel the juice running down your chin?

Stop, take a moment and really picture an apple. … 

So in short I picture a nice Red Delicious apple. Then my thoughts would wonder to: Apple = food = I like it.  The same comes from the darker thoughts: loss of someone = sadness/fear= I don’t like this. 

I have been able to see that my thoughts about something can have an equal or greater effect on me as does the actual event.  I have noticed how by thinking certain thoughts I would either run away or walk toward certain situation.  I would bring with me all of my past thoughts, feelings, and emotions to an event.  I could totally miss the event, being lost in thought. 

How many moments have depended on how I look at things through the prism of my mind and not how they really are? The real question is how many moments have I ever seen things as they truly are…

I have but just a few moments in my life, (however many years) and how many have I missed being distracts by thoughts?  They come at me, these thoughts of mine, millions per minute.  And I wonder why no peace? How can I slow down this process, quiet the constant drone? How can I simply just ..be.. without the need for a constant narration? (Notice more and more thoughts, sigh). 

The Truest Gift of the Camino de Santiago

I often been asked since I have returned from the Camino de Santiago questions.  Some include: Why did you go on this journey? What did you expect to get from this walk?  Did you get what you were looking for? Was there any wisdom gained from this experience? 

I have often answered these and other questions with standard rote answers.  So it is now that I have decided to begin the Camino again; no, not the walk itself, but to use the concept of the walk to journey back to me. 

The truest gift of the Camino de Santiago is that she keeps on giving.  I am often amazed at how these few days have become the basis of my life.  The one advantage of the Camino is that through her rolling hills, fields and streams, I was able to have the time to move inward, closer to myself.  (Frankly not much more to do walking 15 miles a day).  The real shock was when I returned home, this serenity turned into the hustle and bustle of daily life.  And with each passing day I moved further and further from any truth I had discovered. 

I found that “life” took over from that peace.  It was no longer an option to quietly sit and reflect as cars zoomed by, emails needed to be answered and things needed to be done!  What happened to that peace? Where did it go?  I realized it’s easy to capture and keep safe in that safe space called the Camino, but perhaps a bit more challenging in my everyday life. 

So I choose now, to begin again, to walk the Camino, in my life every day.  To take the same journey inward with all that life avails me in this moment.  To listen to the sounds of my soul, to really experience the world around me that I have created, and to honor the truth that lives inside of me.  

I share this journey, not from a place of wisdom, as I am not wise, not from a place of knowing, because I know nothing, but from a place of perspective.  All I can humbly offer are musings and thoughts with a sense of deliberate truth.  Take what you wish or nothing at all as I offer it freely.