I spend my Sunday mornings in a quiet state of reflection as
I view this day as the “bridge” day; the day in between the weeks. I use this
day to reflect on the past week’s activities and thoughts and then bridge them
into the intentions of the next week. I
have found this quite useful in my attempt to live my life in the most
constructive of ways.
So naturally my mind always moves to the ones I love, how
grateful I am to have them in my life! My mind moves slowly to the idea of
love. What is that emotion? How can it
be described? What are the physical sensations I feel when I think of love?
As I ponder these thoughts, I realize how the expression of
love seems to flow outward; flowing towards the ones I love. In many ways I gain strength from this outward
flow, but I can’t help but to wonder where the energy flows back to me. My logical thought is that it flows back in
the reciprocated feelings of love. But
what happens when that reciprocal return of energy is not the same or even
returned?
So I begin to examine love.
I have been told that personalities can’t love as they always want
something. So I am I loving only to receive
love? Perhaps…
I begin to see that my feelings of love when filtered
through the human experience are distorted from the essence of love through the
veil of fear into a desire. “I love you,
so you should love me back. Or even I love you in this way; you should do the
same for me. (If you don’t I won’t love
you any more.)” It has now become a
completion or game with expected or desired outcomes.
I begin to understand that the thoughts of love, or better
put, the way I was taught love to be, is just selfishness and fear. When viewed through the mind and/or
personality this emotion becomes a weapon.
A weapon I use to hurt both myself and others. I love for what I can give and I love for
what I can receive.
So I begin to ponder, if the essence of us is love, how can
we live this love? Neither giving nor receiving? Just being love? Not being IN love, just love? I realize I must change the definition of
love. Love can’t be a feeling, as there
are judgments, expectations and conditions placed on this; as well as all
feelings. I begin to understand that
love must be an internal process alone. It’s
not something that flows out of me to you, it is something that moves and grows
inside of me. It gathers its strength from the silence essence that lives
within me. It grows gradually through an
open awareness and freedom to exist without expectations.
It is through this nurturing, that it becomes the awakened
essence of itself. It is only through
the internalized revelations that I can become the truest essence that love
offers.
I walk with these thoughts today, loving you, but yet
somehow understanding that the love I feel merely scratches the surface of what
love really means.
